I finally felt like it was about time that I got back up here to muse. Or complain, because that just seems to come so much easier. Why fight what you’re good at? Of course that doesn’t reveal any opportunity to dazzle the world with my onanistic skills, but baby steps… baby steps.

So what’s been up in the world of the Vicious One?

Not a whole hell of a lot. I’ve pretty much been learning to enjoy the freedom of being a bachelor while at the same time finding the courage and fortitude to meet women. This has not been an easy task. While my innate fear of the opposite sex isn’t crippling, it’s often a wall I have troubling leaping in my amorous pursuits. Friends (those of the male persuasion) assure me that I should focus my efforts on belt or bedpost “notches” and to some extent they are correct – but I have issues with the frivolity and “safeness” of such practices. To put it more plainly, I’m just not the one-night-stand kind of guy. At least I don’t think I am.

I thought I had some leads on ladies… but they were pretty much dead-ends. One flirts with me relentlessly, and while I don’t mind it – ultimately, it’s going nowhere and I have to remind myself of that. I really probably need to find out what it is about me that doesn’t work for her – but I’m not really in the frame of mind lately for that kind of rejection. Besides, with this woman it’s probably best we both play the ignorance card. The other lady would be a perfect “mark” for the notching my buddies are continuously urging me to take, but the gentleman in me would feel bad about taking that kind of walk. There’s a naiveté that worries me about her. My friends have been useless in finding the “hook-ups” as everyone is now married or engaged… the pool is slowly draining; my connections are seemingly tapped. Have I told you how much I hate trying to meet women in bars? My Tina Fey, Jenna Fischer or Amy Sedaris will unlikely be at these places. Alas… these are my troubles and not yours to worry about.

Work has been pretty damn busy. They pretty much work me like a rented mule and I earn every cent of my paycheck. What I’ve learned in my 6 months here is a deeper appreciation of just how much I hate working. And it has nothing to do with the “man” or selling out to a corporate world… just that I’m pretty damn lazy and that the idea of being independently wealthy seems like a golden dream. Alas, I have yet the knowledge and/or resources to make such a lifestyle possible. Short of winning the lotto or finding instant rock stardom, I’m pretty much inert regarding focus and ambition.

I’m working out. Something I’ve joked about over the last few years, but a needed change none-the-less. Everyone asks me if after a few months I’m noticing any change and the answer, quite succinctly is, “no.” I’m about as tired as I normally am and the caloric demand on my body makes my post work-out cravings for food worse. I suppose the next step is to develop some better eating habits. That would probably include taking it easy on the beer… something I’m not entirely ready to do yet. Either way, after three months, I’m not ready to give up - I realize this won’t be a short trip.

The bands have been progressing slowly. Oso y Mono is almost flat-lining, but I think that has more to do with Jako and I being lazy than anything. Big Ned is gearing up for the summer as there are already a few gigs lined up. If you have a MySpace page and haven’t joined and would like to – feel free to hit us up. I personally am looking to get to some open mics as I have some new material I’d like to put in front of an audience and get some feedback on. I’d love get some recordings done, still just don’t have the knowledge to do it myself or the money to get it professionally done. This new stuff is some of the most honest I think I’ve written in a while and I continue to find my songwriting style evolving. For so long I did it a specific way and I’m now discovering different ways to reach into my creative lobe. Heartbreak will do that I suppose. Like I’ve said before, misery makes so much a better muse than joy.

That pretty much brings you all up to date. I know, not too much here that passes for news these days, but on the whole… I’m pretty happy with my life right now. E told me that I should be enjoying it a lot more as my only real responsibilities are: paying my bills and wiping my own ass. He’s right. There are some adventures to be had in the near future. Some exploration of new towns on my own, some new projects to start, and hopefully finish – I’m hopeful and that’s enough for right now. One thing’s for sure… I’m done with 2007. A quarter of the New Year is over already, now as good as any to get started again… I suppose.

Anything interesting in your lives?

"Like the battles with yourself, that leave you insecure. It's all just a numbing charade, Until the day you finally wake up, and you're not afraid." - Spill Canvas ("Battles")
-Vicious J

Mmmm... Chic-Fil-A

And for Sam (because it won’t let me post on your page!): Here’s to the cold sobriety of hindsight! *clink* and to hoping that at some point we’ll be able to bitch about exes across a table over some ice cold pints of Guinness rather than over miles and miles of fiber-optic cables and internet thingies I still don’t quite understand.

Regardless of how I'm trying to handle all this change all at once, I still feel like there's a need for me type this out. To vent. And I don't know if I grown, or if I'm just a changed person, but even as I write this I hate how absolutely self-involved this seems (and yet it doesn't seem to stop me, go figure).

I feel like I've been trying to start this entry for months. In truth I've really only tried a couple times... but as trite as it sounds, I think I've felt too empty to really know what to say. There's an underlying need to get out and just write something – but I miss those moments of inspiration when I'm out pretending to live life. The whole fake-it-til-you-make-it concept has been pushing me through the past few months. I'm not sure anyone close really knows how depressed I've been as of late... and not because they don't care, but because I've been trying to force myself into not being that way. Who likes hanging out with that guy? Thank goodness for lessons I learned in younger days.

I slipped up a little bit last weekend, though. We all sat and laughed around a bonfire – and the company I had was great – but I for life of me just didn't feel like being there. I even escaped the party for a while just to be by myself for a little while. No one seemed to notice... I don't think I cared. I was in a quiet mood with a group of couples. I was wondering what this party would have been like if she was there. And then it hit me – how many time was she ever there? My shit was just never a priority. Hell, sometimes I don't think I was a priority... towards those last few weeks, I know I wasn't.

And my latest project is very new to me... I don't think I do enough for myself. Which is not to say that the relationship version of Vicious J doesn't have an independent streak that needs to be fixed every now and again, just that the relationship Vicious J doesn't tend to listen to that voice all that often. That Vicious J tends to do stupid things with his finances and time that he doesn't have for the comfort and enjoyment of another. And if I can sum up one thing about how I'm feeling and adapting to everything that's going on right now, it would be this: it's hard not be bitter when you're emotionally, physically, and fiscally spent from trying to make someone else's life better. I could put a laundry list of all the things I did up here, but what possible purpose could that have? Besides making me sound like a bitter jerk, it's not like it's going to magically fix all of my mistakes. You read that right... my mistakes. No one made me do the things I did save for the idiot who stares back at the disheveled, chubby visage in the mirror every morning.

I try and keep myself busy to avoid letting the bitterness get a hold of me... but from time to time it comes on like a cancer and I just can't help but feel so freaking hollow and frustrated with the way things turned out. I mean... where they fuck are my happy endings? It's not like what I'm feeling is completely unknown... or even original but hurts none-the-less. When you've given a person everything you could possibly give and more – what right do they have to stop loving you? When they've never given back close to what you've put in, how dare they walk away. That should have been my decision to make. But I think I loved her more than I knew I could and in the end it blinded me. Ok, maybe it didn't blind me it just gave me the patience of Saint. The patience to wait out whatever rough waters laid ahead. Perhaps in the future I should really take a bit more interest in making sure at least some of my needs are being met instead of going to the ends of the earth to make sure hers are.

Nice guys don't finish last... they don't actually finish. They're too busy helping unavailable women either knowingly or unknowingly taking advantage of them. A classy statement to make I know, but if things were always fair in this world, teachers would make a lot more money and people would stop letting Donald Trump be on television. Well actually, they stop letting him be anywhere, but hey – one step at a time. And as a quick aside, what kind of fucked up twist has to happen in the universe for someone to decide that Kevin Federline is the more suitable parent?

Anyhow, I think I might have some kind of “sell-by date” stamped on me somewhere that only women can see. How does a person not rot? There may only be so much “stay positive” I have left in me. It's not like I'm in any hurry to get married or anything, but I sure don't know if I would have put this much time and attention into a relationship like this if I didn't think it was eventually headed in that direction.

I can't help but think that Mr. Thoreau was correct, “most men live lives of quiet desperation.” And the real truth is that for me – the important things don't end in a bang, but a loud whimper. Kind of like slipping on ice, falling straight on your ass and knowing that while the pain is absent today, it will be in full attendance for the following days. So tell me dear readers (all 2 of you), how does one stop the swelling of the heart?

Well... that's enough of that for now. Although today I won't leave you with some half-assed promise about getting up here more often. Instead, I'm actually going to try to pull some reverse psychology on myself. Clever I know... but if I was actually clever I'd have a lot more money and a lot less regret.

So... how are you all doing?

“I'm so empty, I'm better off without you and you're better off without me... as wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me, you're the darkest burning stare – you're my perfect desire” - Five Finger Death Punch (The Bleeding)
-Vicious J

It has been one hell of a summer so far.. lemme tellya. There have been moments where finding that silver lining has been quite the herculean task. Rather than bore the two of you who still stop by and read this with the nitty gritty deets, let me concisely sum it up as such: aunt died, got laid off, Angel Pie loses her job too, old company attempts to screw me out of unemployment, Angel Pie finds new job, Papa Vicious feels bad for wonderful son and buys him laptop, Vicious gets 2 job offers and decides to go with company that doesn't make him feel uneasy, E develops new boatload of family problems and that pretty much brings us to now.

So yes, the Vicious One has been suckling off the government teat for the last few months as well as spreading severance just about as far as he can while unexpectedly partially supporting his girlfriend. Craziness.

Things I've learned in my time off:

-Even with all of DirecTv's possible channels at my disposal, sometimes there is absolutely NOTHING on. Folks, daytime tv blows donkeys (and not in that awesomely gay way). With that said, I continually found myself coming back to four channels:
Comedy Central – I developed a new appreciation for MadTV (because it's pretty much all CC plays all day), especially the seasons with Frank Caliendo or Will Sasso. And Michael McDonald is probably one of the most underrated sketch comedians around. Oh and I couldn't beat the 2 episode fix of Scrubs at 10 that got me going some mornings.
SciFi – Most of the day is just a marathon of some science fiction themed show. Some days, that sucked... other days you got lucky and spent the day watching episode after episode of Firefly or The Twilight Zone.
Boomerang – Talk about getting back to your roots. Whether extremely late at night or the middle of the day, they play ALL the cartoons (although predominantly selections from the Hanna-Barbera stable) you watched as a wee youngin'. I got re-familiarized with everyone from Popeye to Muttley to Yogi Bear. If you grew up watching all the syndicated re-runs in the 80's and are feeling pseudo-nostalgic, definitely give it a shot.
Chiller – I didn't even know this channel existed until a short while ago... it's basically the “horror” version of the SciFi channel (although owned by NBC). They spend a lot of time playing things like “Alfred Hitchcock Presents,” “Tales from the Crypt,” and “The Night Gallery” but every now and again you get a cool movie or special that de-constructs the fascination and point of horror and suspense in today's culture.

-Friends and family magically think you're available to run errands for them. Which, let's face it, you are. This is a good way to get meals and drinks paid for.

-Having a set daily schedule is a great idea... and the moment you try to act on it, requests from the previous bullet kick in and destroy any attempt to follow it.

-I've discovered that there is no set time of the day that after which I won't bother with a shower. I MUST shower everyday, even if it is 6pm and I have no other plans for the evening.

-Career Builder and Monster are really good for finding available positions. Just make sure you apply on the actual company's website and NOT through Career Builder or Monster. Better yet, network to see if you know anyone at these companies who might get your resume into the right people's hands.

-Recruiters are strange, strange people. They'll go out of their way to convince you that you're right for a job you probably have no business doing. While I understand the lure of a commission check, their zealous nature and frequent promises for contract work that does not lend itself to insurance or secured longevity more than once dissuaded my efforts.

-Employees of IDES (Illinois Department of Employment Security) are similar to DMV workers with one sharp difference... they've had their spirit broken, but can still remain somewhat agreeable.

-You'd think this time off would have been perfect to both catch up on blogging AND my Netflix queue. You'd be sadly mistaken.

-As great as Tivo is in regular usage... when you're unemployed it almost becomes an object of idolatry and at other times a way of life.

-Thank God USA Network has learned how to foster original programming during the summer. My time off has been made much better with the return of “Psych” and “Monk” as well as my other new favorite, “Burn Notice.”

-It's an odd yet confidence-building notion to be offered a job because of one half-hour phone interview.

-The internet can only supply so much pornography before you have to stop and really think about what you're in the mood for. Now admittedly, I don't really go for anything out of the ordinary or strange, but I did find myself searching for scantily clad photos of quite a few celebrity goddesses that the average surfer would probably not consider (Sarah Silverman for instance). Thankfully, I never got so desensitized that I went out looking for cock-fingering or sploshing pages.

-Getting up at 10 (or later) every morning just flat out rocks. Seriously. That alone has almost made this process worth it.

Alas, as these times come to a close, I'd like to thank everyone for being so supportive during this time. It's been nice, but I need to work – otherwise I just feel really lazy.

And with that, I think I'll take my leave for now. If you're still breathing out there, drop me a line. I go back to the grind on Thursday, so I'll try to get another blog up (I'm brewing something regarding rap, censorship and the “cause of me”).

“To defy the laws of tradition, is a crusade truly of the brave” - Primus
-Vicious J